XIII.

Smitty had never seen Diana so angry.

Sure, he knew that Santa’s past indiscretions had affected her but he had been hoping that she’d get over it. He’d also been hoping that the whole thing with the Elves of Fuck was just a coping mechanism, a ritual to help her through the pain and paranoia before she called the whole thing off.

But that wasn’t the case.

She was really going to have her husband killed. He almost felt like he should do something about it.

It wasn’t that Smitty cared that much about Santa Claus. The truth was the guy was a real asshole, especially to Smitty. It was no secret that Santa didn’t like animals. He hated having to rely on the reindeer and had, on more than one occasion, been accused of abusing them. So when Smitty arrived in the North Pole, the big man didn’t take too kindly to a hairy humanoid squid making friends with Mrs. Claus.

So now Smitty had to deal with his conflicting emotions. On one hand, he didn’t want Diana to have to deal with such a bastard of a husband. On the other hand, the death of Santa Claus would bring about a whole shit storm of trouble for the entire North Pole.

What bothered Smitty the most was the kids. Though he himself never celebrated Christmas, he loved hearing how the holiday brought such happiness to the children of the world. He wasn’t even jealous about it. He sincerely enjoyed seeing others happy, especially innocent children.

Smitty saw Diana in front of the toyshop. She was smoking again, which was a bad sign. He slowly approached her and said, “Hey.”

Diana quickly flicked the cigarette into a pile of snow. “Oh, hey Smitty.”

“Back to smoking, I see.”

She frowned. “Sorry.”

“You’re a big girl. You can do what you want but you know those things are no good for you.”

“Neither is a shitty husband.”

Smitty looked her straight in the eyes.

“But you’re taking care of that, aren’t you?”

“Oh my god, Smitty, you’re really going to give me a guilt trip now? You know the shit I’ve been through and you’re going to make me feel guilty about finally taking a stand?”

Smitty turned his back to her and was silent for a few seconds. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so nasty. I guess it’s just that I disagree with what you decided to do.”

“You don’t have to agree, Smitty. It’s not your marriage. Not your life. You can leave here and it won’t make a difference to you. But me? I have to stay.”

“Do you want me to leave, Diana?” Smitty said. His tentacles spread out into the snow like a bridal gown. “Don’t be ridiculous. You know that’s not what I meant,” Diana said. “I’m tied down to this place. You’re free to go wherever you please. I’m not saying I want you to go. I’m just saying that’s how it is.”

Smitty moved a hairy tentacle up to Diana’s face. “I know. I’m sorry. I just wish there was some other way to straighten this whole thing out.”

“Me too. You don’t think I’ve thought about it? I have. I’ve spent months trying to figure out another solution but that bastard just makes it difficult for me. What’s done is done. There’s no going back.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Smitty said. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”